I barely got any sleep last night once again because the memories keep coming up just as I'm about to pass out. The ball of anxiety felt like it jumped really violently from the pit of my stomach to my chest and then everything started going ice cold from my toes and fingers, then I'll get severe heat flashes. I'll know exactly why it's happening so I'll reach over to grab my phone and go on social media so I can distract myself. But it's still there. It happens so often, too. Maybe it'll be during mass, or in the middle of class when I'm zoning out and I have to excuse myself. I wish I could just forget it forever because this doesnt seem to help me get over it. I cant help but constantly wonder if they remembered what they did to me. It's not fair. Why do I have to be the only one feeling like this? I just want to forget and live a normal life. Why can they do that and not me? I hate feeling like this too; pitiful and crippled by something I keep trying to convince myself isnt worth making such a big deal out of. What probably is contributing to this is that I dont talk to people. I dont rely on people for emotional support anymore; I'm kind of scared of it. I'd managed to open up a little more just recently, but things have changed. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, or for me to burden anyone, and most of all, I dont want people to use my own problems against me. I'm sick of being dependent on others.