I’m a few days late in posting this because of all that went on last week, but I didn’t want that to keep me from sharing it. 💜
I went to @eatingrecovery center on January 12th, 2016 as an angry, scared, hopeless, and suicidal person lost in their eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, chronic depression, and body dysmorphic disorder. I hated the idea of all things therapy, self love and ~positivity~. I only made myself go because I could at least see that the way I’d been living and coping wasn’t making me any less miserable. But before I went in, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t get “brainwashed”.. as in, I’d never let myself become who I am now. Someone who says that they owe their life to recovery and who publicly shares their experiences and doesn’t care about what their body looks like.
Here I am, though, January 12th, 2019. Believe me, I wasn’t brainwashed— I was skeptical and pessimistic and untrusting until I could find evidence that all of this was real and worth it. And it is real.. and very much worth it.
Try the meditation that makes you roll your eyes and want to crawl out of your skin. Make gratitude lists even when it feels like you can’t find anything to be grateful for, or when it feels cheesy to say, “I’m grateful for my my body because it takes me places.” Watch the TED talks, read the self-help books, write in a journal, treat yourself the way that you’d treat your best friend, and give up self-destructive habits one step at a time.
Don’t give up on yourself. Recovery isn’t going to be this magical, perfect thing, but I can promise you that if you stick to it, you’ll be able to look back in 3 years and say,
“Thank you, past self, for having the strength to ask for help.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please visit the @neda website for resources. You can also call (800) 931-2237 or text “NEDA” to 741-741 💚💙
For suicidal ideation or thoughts, call (800) 273-8255 or text “SUPPORT” to 741-741. 💜💜
1,1772718 January, 2019
Say something nice to your body. [image description: hand drawn illustration of 4 bodies. Top left is of a person with a vagina, they have mid tone skin pubic hair, stretch marks and cellulite. Top right is of a black persons arm and chest. This person has “bingo wings” with stretch marks, this person is fat and has breast tissue. Bottom left is a thin white person. They have a vagina, trimmed ginger pubic hair, a scar on their stomach and an ostomy bag. Bottom right is of a person of colour with mid to dark tone skin. They have breasts and a penis. They don’t have any body hair. In the middle of the illustration it says “said something nice to my body”. The border is circular and purple. ] #boringselfcare#trans#feministart#mentalhealthrecovery#eatingdisorderrecovery#edfam#ostomy#ostomybag#ileostomy
5,7293918 January, 2019
I had another physical therapy appt. I was kind of emotional. I think what’s hard is having to fight so much for my health. I had to literally beg my doctors to have me be seen by a specialist for my legs. With all of the loose skin no one knew how to help and it didn’t feel like anyone wanted to help. It was up to me to continue to push the issue, to keep fighting for my health. I was the one in pain without support. What also makes me so angry is how having surgery to remove the loose skin is still considered a “cosmetic procedure.” That also makes me angry. I know everyone’s journey with weight loss and whether they have loose skin/how much/ how it affects them is different. But for me...it has been rough. It’s not the loose skin that makes me angry, it’s the the lack of education, sympathy, care and support I have received because of it.
This post is not for you to feel sorry for me, or to fear losing weight because of the loose skin- because I would choose the loose skin over being 500 pounds any-day. This is just to remind you that sometimes you have to fight for what’s best for you, fight for what you need and fight for what’s right.
No matter how tired, exhausted, sad, upset, overwhelmed, unfair, or mad I am...I am going to keep fighting until something changes. So please use this as a reminder to yourself to never stop trying, never give up and never stop doing what’s right or best for you!! Skin removal is so much more than a “cosmetic” and I wish the people who are supposed to be taking care of our health realized and cared too!
7,40161020 hours ago
#tbt this cherry-cheese-cake which I had last weekend when mum visited me☝🏽😏
Das letzte Wochenende mit meiner Mama tat echt verdammt gut. Samstag waren wir in Salzburg und es war echt schön- vor allem auch, weil ich mich endlich mal wieder überwinden konnte, Geld für mich auszugeben😌Der Abschied war echt hart, vor allem weil ich nicht weiß, wann wir uns wieder sehen...Die Woche war dann auch ein auf und ab, ich kann gerade nichtmal sagen, wie es mir geht🙁Seit meinem Einzel gestern fühle ich mich ziemlich betäubt🤷🏽♀️Trotzdem hatte ich soweit einen schönen Tag, aber ich habe Angst vor morgen, weil ich nichts geplant habe und Sonntage immer schwer sind🙄Vor der nächsten Woche habe ich auch etwas Angst, aber ich hoffe, dass ich voran komme und dass es nicht zu hart wird.🙏Btw ist es hier jetzt echt kalt geworden- bei euch auch?❄️
20 vs 30 #10yearchallenge .... and it’s hard not to notice the physical changes but what I notice more is the mental and emotional changes.... That first picture I was in the middle of a battle with an eating disorder that took over my life. Bulimia and laxative abuse was destroying me. I was in an abusive relationship - mental and physical. I wasn’t close to my family (due to them not liking my partner at the time). I didn’t have that many friends. I was unhappy and hated myself and my body. I ran miles and miles every day because I hated my body and wanted to get skinnier and skinnier. I ended up taking over 20 laxatives daily! Admitted to hospital and told I was days away from a colostomy bag! I would never stand up for myself, I had no confidence whatsoever and I was just an empty shell of a person. My way of controlling my life was to stick my fingers down my throat, or take a box of laxatives.
Fast forward 10 years and I’ve grown into a woman that knows herself and a woman that loves herself. Never mind the 4 1/2 stone of healthy weight I’ve put on or the ass I’ve built. I am 100% different. Im so close to my family - I can’t be away from them for more than a few days. I have so many wonderful and amazing friends and a bestfriend that is like a sister. I won’t take shit from any man and I know my worth completely. I look in the mirror, and even though I’m not perfect, I love what I see. I now exercise because I love my body and want to see what it can do!
Even if you don’t want to be muscly, or want to build a big bum - exercise transforms lives! A healthy life, a thirst for life and a love of exercise has transformed my life. You don’t need to do Crossfit or build an ass like I have but find something you love... Zumba, rock climbing, dancing, swimming - whatever it is. Just get out here! Start doing stuff you love and watch yourself transform. Not just your body. But yourself and your mindset! Trust me... those endorphins are amazing!! It’s not just the physical strength the gym has given me, it’s the mental and emotional strength too!! So get out there! Stop doubting yourself! Know your worth. Never settle and love your life 💗💗
1,4586517 January, 2019
Pierwszy trening na siłowni w tym roku wreszcie zaliczony! ❤️ kiedyś bym chyba zwariowała 😶 bo jak to tak długo nie ćwiczyć, zaraz bede cała zalana i inne takie 🤪 A NIE! Ciałko sobie odpoczęło (mózg za to trochę przegrzany- olimpiada mnie totalnie wykończyła, nie mogę patrzeć na książki 😜) i zrobiłam suuuper trening❤️ Regeneracja tez jest ważna ❣️
5002218 January, 2019
NEW YOUTUBE VIDEO - SISTERS CONTROL WHAT I EAT FOR A DAY - ANOREXIA RECOVERY - I HAVE NO CHOICE! LINK IS IN MY BIO!
My Sisters, Alisha and Satara, control what I eat for a day!
This was SO FUN! But... Did I manage to do it?
I gave up control and it was HARD.. but also freeing, and it showed me that w o w I can actually eat what I want...?!?! What would you eat if you had no control?
I AM OFFICIALLY 2 MONTHS LAXATIVE FREE!
It has been unbelievably difficult to keep myself from a huge laxative overdose with everything that's been going on in my life, especially just this last week.
Having my heart shattered, beginning EMDR therapy, dealing with weight gain, my son needing a break from me, new medical problems, still not having a permanent place to live, the death of a beloved pet, increase in chronic pain...these used to all be reasons I would toss back a couple of hundred laxatives. But I can't keep running back to unhealthy (and potentially deadly) coping mechanisms every time it seems too painful to feel my feelings.
So I'm sitting with my emotions. I'm embracing the heartache and pain because I realize this is simply a part of my journey. I'm working hard every moment of every day to heal my mind, body, and soul. I'm absolutely exhausted from just keeping myself alive.
And yet I continue to push forward and for that, I feel incredibly proud. #rawrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #healing
1427 minutes ago
From the day they called me out of class, my footsteps have stained the floor, of every hospital I’ve died in and the self help books that left me bored. I am past the point, where it is poetic to be sad. You all write of my pain, as if it is something you understand. I want to jump off cliffs and break glass with my fingertips, and cry oh my dear God as my words burn my bleeding lips.❄️ .
« She distanced herself to save herself » seen on @rockinbipolar page. Protect yourself. Protect your peace. Define and defend your boundaries. Change perspective, step back, update the glasses you use to check your life. You deserve the best. Choose to give it to yourself. You are worth unconditional love, respect and support. Choose to give it to yourself. Sweet dreams 💜💚🧡💛💙❤️
7216 minutes ago
Today was hard for numerous reasons: weigh-in, food, 7hr car journey and emotions.
Weigh-in, gained (which was inevitable) but it’s my first gain in a while and they’re the ones that are always “big” and also TW I haven’t took lax at all this week because I’m frightened I’ll have serious complications because last week I had really bad chest pain and couldn’t move, so that’s probably contributed to some of the “gain” because I’ll won’t be dehydrated ETW I didn’t gain as much as I thought, but of course any gain is too much for anorexia and now I want to restrict and give up. But I know I can’t. Also I had to sit down for sososo long and my mum still expected me to have everything and more still. I had to say good bye to my dog for 4 weeks, I cried so much and I didn’t want to eat, but I did. I have paid for him to stay at a residential dog training place, it’s private and is an intense boot camp for dogs, to learn everything. He was getting unbearable on lead, and I had a bad experience with him recently which scared me. But he is a lovely dog, just needs someone to put some boundaries in place, and teach him the way. But I feel so guilty and like I failed him. I love him so much, he’s my world. But mum said I need to use this time to get my weight as much up as I can, so I can run with him when he gets back. But it’s so hard, I don’t want to do it, I feel disgusting. I hate my body. But what else am I going to do? Live my life in fear of gaining weight and calories, never be able to enjoy things because I’ll be cold and tired. It’s not living, it’s barely getting by. I also got a letter about a uni I applied to, they want me to fill out a form about how my illness has affected my studies so they can consider it and make me an offer, as I didn’t get good AS grades because I was overcoming a relapse at the time. And I’m scared of opening up about it, because none of my tutors at college know what my illness is and I’m worried about the preconceptions and stigma. Also how they will judge me from now on, they expect me to look a certain way or something. Gaining weight is already hard enough.
I am just so fed up of these thoughts.
Made a nourishing, from scratch vegan dinner. It's been awhile. It was amazing. The colours, the freshness, the textures.
So I took a picture.
Tofu. I really missed you.
It's no surprise that when my mind is out of alignment with my soul, my eating habits, and taking the time in the kitchen, match any mental upset.
I pollute my body and numb my thoughts and feelings with instant gratification foods. When I feel low and lazy in my mind, I am low and lazy in my nourishment.
What I put into my body reflects how I am feeling about my soul. Direct correlation. Nothing wrong. No "bad" foods. But checking in as to why am I making those choices is, for me, mindful eating.
"You'll never amount to anything"
"When you grow up, you'll borrow money from your brother"
Constant bullying about everything I do or say, or don't do or don't say.
57326 minutes ago
My pain feels so strong. The prescription lidocaine cream isn’t helping. I’m exhausted all day every day. And honestly I just feel like death. I even broke down and cried because I’m so tired of not being able to do what I want to do due to pain and fatigue. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m okay.
PS I’m not looking for pity. I’m just trying to show the realities of chronic illness through my own experiences ❤️
18426 minutes ago
Night snack was a bowl filled with unmeasured vanilla ice cream and uncounted gingerbreads, more than pictured🙊
Felt scared plating this, fine eating it and super greedy and guilty afterwards😳
These are feelings, these will go away!
Today I’ve been relaxing all day, I wasn’t strong enough to lay in bed all day but I haven’t been outside, I haven’t really done anything but planning, cooking, talking and watching series and a movie🙈
It’s been so hard and mentally exhausting, but also so nice and necessary🙌
It’s always twice as hard to eat when I haven’t been moving or doing anything special, but we do not have to earn food, we simply just need it!
This doesn’t make me greedy, lazy or fat, this won’t make me gain.
If it however would make me gain, that’s because I need it. Out bodies needs and deserves rest❤️
300 FOLLOWERS CHALLENGE!
TWO WAFFLES w/ banana🍌, PEANUT BUTTER🥜 and apricot JAM, MILK+chai tea 🥛☕️. •
BEAN BURGER🍔 w/ kinda MAYO (this was vegan I think), my favorite veggies (spinach, cucumber🥒 and boiled broccoli🥦), Pepsi max🥤and CHIPS🍟 w/ KETCHUP🍅.
REGULAR sized CHOCOLATE BAR🍫 (I chose pre-ED favorite, a mars bar)
PASTA🍝 (w/ MARINARA SAUCE🥫, broccoli🥦 and spinach) and GARLIC. BREAD.🥖.
CARAMEL BROWNIES, Pepsi max🥤and lemon ICE CREAM🍦🍋.
• @avagracerecovers was the meal plan winner🎉
Tbh, you are such a help! I’ve watched ALL your videos on YouTube and I fan-girled a bit when I saw you comment on my post! lol
Okay, I changed the meal plan a bit (hope it was okay???)
Coffee—> tea (got permission)
Syrup—> jam (got permission)
Morning snack—> afternoon snack (was full after breakfast)
Favorite ice cream—> some ice cream in my freezer... (already spent 30$+ on this challenge so...)
This challenge was not as challenging as I thought it would be! I got to eat a lot of food that I haven’t eaten in months or a year plus! Like the waffles, vegan(?) mayo, chocolate, pasta, garlic bread, proper ice cream and brownies! So I did enjoy this challenge!
It was also good as I was slowly relapsing...
It’s just hard afterwards, when your alone with your thoughts... but you know, AS LONG AS I DON’T RELAPSE, it’s okay to NOT to be okay :-).
Thank you all for commenting on my post and THANKS FOR 300 FOLLOWERS! But no wait, NOW ITS 350! THANK YOU SO MUCH! xx
Hope you have/had a great day and keep fighting! xx
Oh, hey, a lunch picture that isn’t a sandwich! For some reason, my ED thought I could only ever eat sandwiches for lunch. In quasi-recovery, I would have the same kind of sandwich over and over and over again because the calories wouldn’t have to be re-calculated. But now, I’m entering a world in which lunch doesn’t have to just be a sandwich. .
Now, don’t get me wrong—I love sandwiches. PB&J, grilled cheese, patty melts, classic turkey and cheese...they all have a special place in my heart. But on a cold day like this one, maybe I don’t necessarily want to have a sandwich. Maybe I want this plate of lamb stew, rice, edamame, and veggies (zucchini, carrots, onions, mushrooms). Also, unpictured: a bowl of fruit and a bit of cereal because I was still a lil’ hungry. The book beside my lunch is Race: Antiquity and its Legacy by Denise Eileen McCoskey. It’s for a class and already very interesting. Would recommend for anyone and everyone interested in Roman/Greek culture. .
Variation in recovery is important. It’s okay to eat challenge foods over and over to lessen the fear (sandwiches used to be a big fear food), but when the challenging aspect is over, then is the time to switch things up. 💪🏼
Guten Abend meine Lieben 🧡 #müslitime mit Knusper-Crunchy 🥣
Heute hatte ich einen ziemlich unspektakulären Tag. Ich hab nur gelernt, war einkaufen und habe gekocht. Sonst nix. Kennt ihr das, wenn ihr irgendwie nicht zufrieden mit dem Tag seid, obwohl ihr richtig produktiv wart? So fühle ich mich irgendwie.. Irgendwas fehlt dann immer, aber ich weiss einfach nicht was. Sowas macht mich jedes Mal wahnsinnig. Hat jemand eine Idee, wie man da raus kommt?